Jokes

[Biscitt]

Thought we had a joke thread but couldn't find it so started another.

The following was sent to me by 'a friend':
...................................................................

A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon... Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.

However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.

One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase either.'
...................................................

[Lizziekins]

;D

[jts mullered]

osma bin laden nicked for sheep shaggin. in court he said they were islambs and he could do what he bloody liked with them.

[Biscitt]

A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he was lost, reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady:

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied: "You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where
you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f***ing fault..."

[o R 0 G U E o]

PETER KAY ONE LINERS !

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I
said Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole
one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my
wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I
don't get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may
>break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From
there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is
probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good
partner, you better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My
neighbour Said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should
be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they
made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all
nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want s*x?
No, me neither.

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away
from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is
when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a
complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not
to have a fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill
you at the first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed
half way through and then raced against the flush.

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who
has had their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin
piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not
putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way
down to the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing
you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains
for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast
to a Horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
time,but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the
bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they
tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to
make sure .

[JetSet Chilli]

> One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
> slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and
> fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
>
>
> 'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
> you.
> I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact,
> since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'
>
>
> 'It's quite ok,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is as yours. I
> too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you
> what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so
> at least you'll have that going for you.'
>
>
> 'Oh, that would be wonderful' replied the bunny.
>
>
> So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're
> covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches,
> and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny
> rabbit.'
>
>
> 'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
> The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my
> paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.'
>
>
> So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth
> and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls...
> I'd say you must be a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior
> management.'
;D

[JetSet Chilli]

>A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they
>stopped at was the breeding bulls.
>
>
>They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said
>"This bull mated 50 times last year."
>
>The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated
>50 times last year."
>
>
>
>They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,"This
>bull mated 120 times last year.
>
>The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said,
>
>"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
>
>They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
>capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
>
>The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib,
>said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
>
>The husband looked at her and said, "Go ask him if it was with the same
>cow."

[o R 0 G U E o]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Liverpool chemistry final exam.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Question: Is hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay constant, the volume of hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Laura during my freshman year, that 'it will be a cold day in hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that hell is endothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct... leaving only heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Laura kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY 'A'.

[The 1st BAT]

Jimmy Carr special:

Throwing acid is wrong...in some peoples eyes.



www.factorizer.co.uk/The 1st BAT,0,ffffff,000000,0.png[/img][/url]

www.360voice.com/tag/The%201st%20BAT

[Biscitt]

The North (East) / South divide:

50 Degrees. Southerners turn on their heating. Geordies plant their gardens.

40 Degrees. Southerners shiver uncontrollably. Geordies Sunbathe.

30 Degrees. Southern cars will not start. Geordies drive with their windows down

20 Degrees. Southerners wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. Geordies throw a t-shirt on (Girls start wearing mini-skirts)

10 Degrees. Southerners begin to Evacuate. Geordies go swimming in the North Sea.

Zero degrees. Southern landlords turn up the heat. Geordies have the last barbecue before it gets cold.

Minus 10 Degrees. Southerners cease to exist. Geordies throw on a lightweight jacket.

Minus 80 Degrees. Polar bears wonder if it's worth it. Geordie Boy scouts start wearing long trousers.

Minus 100 Degrees. Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Geordies put on their long johns.

Minus 173 Degrees. Alcohol freezes. Geordies become frustrated because the pubs are shut.

Minus 297 Degrees. Microbiological life starts to disappear. The cows on Newcastle town moor complain of vets with cold hands.

Minus 460 Degrees. All atomic motion stops. Geordies start to stamp their feet and blow on their hands.

Minus 500 Degrees. Hell freezes over..........Newcastle United win a trophy.

[JetSet Chilli]

One that put a smile on my face on this wonderful Monday morning../sarcasm

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close
to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden.......



"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"



"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".



So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune,
and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon,
dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double
smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.



"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. Eees a bacon tree".



"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget"



"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".



And with that ...Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun
opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally
wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his
dying breath.



"Pepe...go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree"



"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?"



"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...









Ees
















Ees
















Ees






















Ees




























Eees a Ham Bush.

[o R 0 G U E o]

This one passed round work today - made me snigger slightly:

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by
remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done .....Your turn)
'Be who you are and say what you feel...
Because those that matter.. don't mind...
And those that mind... don't matter.'

;D ;D

[OutcastDai San]

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"

[o R 0 G U E o]

This link is quite amusing:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hcoT6yxFoU

[JetSet Chilli]

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.. The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!