Jokes

[o R 0 G U E o]

MATING FOR LIFE ---------------


Did you know that eagles mate for life?
Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!


Harry was devastated.After about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself
another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate.

He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was OK but all the dove
would say is "I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!"



Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to
find a mate.He found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.Again the sex was great
but all the loon would say is, "I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!"
So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the
duck back to the nest. Again the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
well, you know......

No, the duck didn`t say THAT!!!!! Now that's an awful thing to think!

The duck said, "I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE !

[Biscitt]

A man unearths an old lamp while pottering about in his garden and giving it a good old polish with a *PUFF* a genie appears.

“Thank you for releasing me from the lamp” says the genie “As a reward I will grant you 3 wishes”

“Woohoo!” shouts the man

“For for my first wish I would like £10million deposited in a Swiss bank account.”

*PUFF* the account number appears in the man hand. He grins.

“For my second wish I would like the fastest, most beautiful sports car on the market”

*PUFF* said sports car appears by his side.
(I’ll leave the reader to fill in the details for that one )

“You have one wish left” says the genie

“OK” says the man “for my final wish I want you to make me irresistible to women” the man grins broadly.

.
.
.
.
.
.

*PUFF* He’s turned into a box of chocolates.

;D

[OutcastDai San]

Top 20 Things Your Wife Really Means When She Says "Not Tonight, I Have A Headache"

1. I'm still tired after this afternoon's session with the delivery guy.
2. You didn't help with the housework, this is your punishment.
3. My lawyer is currently drafting the papers.
4. I don't find you all that attractive anymore.
5. Not tonight, I have a headache.
6. I already slept with your brother and your just as bad
7. I don't feel like preteding to have an orgy
8. Take a cold shower
9. You forgot our Anniversary again
10. You make me nauseous each and everytime you touch me.
11. Your smell is giving me a headache.
12. I'm constipated
13. I'm still a little raw after that Hockey team
14. I've gotten enough from my lover to compensate for your inadequacy.
15. Instead, let's cuddle and watch a movie about two large intestines in love.
16. Just go in the bathroom and spank it
17. She already did it with the mail man today
18. The mail man was great
19. The Milkman gave me the Bottle today
20. You will never see me naked again

[OutcastDai San]

Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big
sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone,
'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play

with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're

too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,

'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.

[o R 0 G U E o]

A special entry just for Valentine's day - enjoy ;D
Advance profuse apologies for our female members - hope you can take in a joking spirit Of course none of this is in any way true.

WOMEN AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERS

Part I



Part II



Part III



Part IV



Part V

[OutcastDai San]

i know i am going to pay but

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:


'Please note that this Bank is installing new
Drive-through ATM machines enabling
customers to withdraw cash without leaving
their vehicles.


Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts.


After months of careful research,
MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for
your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part
is the Truth.!!!!


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required
amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on
to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call
them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access
to machine due to its excessive distance
from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary
with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet
and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register
and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder,
and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver
waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[Lizziekins]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about £50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
need were in the garage

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed
it to her.






"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." ;D

[o R 0 G U E o]

The first Earthquake joke has just been sent round the office.

Kingston upon Hull Earthquake Appeal

An Earthquake measuring 4.8 on the Richter scale hit Kingston upon Hull this Wednesday morning. The epicentre was Orchard Park. Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying "o me belongeens ar brock" "worapend" and "ah conna bayleeve eet".
The earthquake decimated the area causing in excess of £17.55 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza, Corfu, Rhyll and Blackpool were damaged beyond repair. Preserved areas of historic importance were destroyed and cars burned out. Many locals were woken before their Giro's arrived. One resident, Kylie Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of four said "It was such a f**ckin shock, little Chardonnay-Destiny came running into my bedroom crying; my hands were shekkin that much I could hardly skin-up."
The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found numerous "Elizabeth Duke" sovereign rings, benefit books and Poundstretcher ornaments.
How can you help?
This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Urgently needed are Lacoste tracksuits, white socks, Burberry caps, Beanie hats and Rockports. Food parcels are also needed. They include McCain oven chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch and Iceland pizza. Alcohol is also in short supply, especially White Lightening Cider and Special Brew. Cash donations are also needed. 22p buys a signing-on' biro, £2.50 buys a Jumbo sausage dinner, £20.00 buys a fake MOT and £16.00 buys 200 Regal from the back of Tomo's lorry.

[o R 0 G U E o]

Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys.
When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back.
It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow colouring and sold it to people to use in place of butter.
How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavourings.

DO YOU KNOW...the difference between margarine and butter?
Read on to the end...gets very interesting!

- Both have the same amount of calories.
- Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.
- Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.
- Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.
-Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added!
- Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavours of other foods.
- Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.
And now, for Margarine...
Very high in trans fatty acids.
Triple risk of coronary heart disease.
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol).
Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold.
Lowers quality of breast milk.
Decreases immune response.
Decreases insulin response.

And here's the most disturbing fact....
HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!
Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC...
This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).
You can try this yourself:

Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area.
Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:
* No flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)

* It does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value

* Nothing will grow on it. Even those teeny weenie microorganisms will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic.
Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?

[o R 0 G U E o]

Someone suggested a new out-of-office auto-reply for use at work. Perhaps I won't use it - but here it is for your amusement.

Sorry for the delay in my reply I am behind on my e-mails. I am reading this on my S60 mobile in <insert name of far flung airport of choice here> . In fact on looking in the Nokia phonebook I see that you are far less senior than I, in fact >5 clicks from the person who I consider to be in my peer group, so therefore any issue you could dream of having will, of course, be far below my interest radar and I simply cannot imagine that anything you would have to say would be remotely interesting to me. Therefore, I have decided to hand you over to my PA, <insert name of overworked adminstrator here> whom I have empowered to review and decide whether I should waste a small, almost insignificant, amount of time on your proposal/question/suggestion/feedback/issue <delete as applicable>. If she so decides then on request you will initially receive a few 'decline' responses followed by a 'tentative' and then with the correct application of tenacity an 'acceptance' following a new proposal made by my PA at a time and place which suit me but may not be in UK, Europe or anywhere UTC +/- 12 hours.

Unfortunately my PA is on leave for the next two weeks but I am certain your tawdry little nappy soiling blue collar business can wait until (s)he returns. Meanwhile I will continue to treat you like something I would ordinarily allow my PA to clean off the bottom of my shoe.

For your future information you might like to consider this prior to sending me your pathetic drivel in the first place!

[o R 0 G U E o]

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a CAD monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be £5000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! £10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer."

[OutcastDai San]

Man and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate
> >>> of Stella and sticks it into the trolley.
> >>> 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
> >>> 'They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans', he says.
> >>> 'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on
> >>> shopping...
> >>> A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and
> >>> sticks it into the trolley. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the
> >>> man,
> >>> 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
> >>>
> >>> The man replies... 'SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F*%KING
> >>> PRICE'

[o R 0 G U E o]

Just to being a smile to your face at this much-needed time...I particularly enjoyed the tattoo.

THESE WILL MAKE YOU SMILE!



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[o R 0 G U E o]

[o R 0 G U E o]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her

and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and

frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their

backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,

'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.

He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on

his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'