Jokes

[o R 0 G U E o]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

[o R 0 G U E o]

[o R 0 G U E o]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by
a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest
in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and
proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you
have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a
bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What
part of broke do you not understand?'

[o R 0 G U E o]

She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'B.J. Titsengolf'

[Lizziekins]

Male compassion


Sally returned from a doctor's visit one day and told her husband Bruce
that the doctor said she only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away his tears, she asked him to make love to her. Of course
he agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Sally went to him again, and said, 'Honey, now only have
18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?'
Bruce agreed and again they made love.

Later, Sally was getting into bed when she realized she now had only
eight hours of life left. She touched Bruce's shoulder and said, 'Honey?
Please? Just one more time before I die.' He agreed, then afterward
she rolled over and fell asleep.

Sally, however, heard the clock ticking in her head, and she tossed and
turned until she was down to only four more hours. She tapped her husband
on the shoulder to wake him up 'Honey, I only have four hours left!
Could we...?'

Her husband sat up abruptly, turned to her and said, 'Listen Sal, I'm not
being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't..'

[o R 0 G U E o]

IT'S FINALLY ARRIVED!!!

These would sell bzillions, I am sure!!!!

[o R 0 G U E o]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXaW8ikmNzw

Funny football

[Biscitt]

One for Acksaw ;-)

uk.youtube.com/watch?v=IGaJ82so_r8

[Lizziekins]

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED……



One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started....

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I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started...

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first..

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started....

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her , 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...

I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.. he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf '

Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,

busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.